Arianna Jeret shares a Halloween tale of delayed gratification for children & parents.
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Last night I was watching a documentary on the development of Halloween.
Among the wide variety of tales of how children of North America came to “trick or treat” in the early 20th century, the most compelling to me happened at the home of a woman hoping to keep the neighborhood children from pulling the kind of nasty, dangerous pranks that typically occurred every Halloween.
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Thus, the routine of leading children in an organized fashion through their neighborhoods from home to home in search of candy replaced that of letting them run wild to wreak havoc.
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She invited the neighborhood children to her home and served them delicious cakes and candies. The children were delighted with her offerings, and left her home untouched and the neighborhood unpranked. After this proactive and wise woman wrote an article about her idea and its results for popular magazine, others caught on and followed suit.
Thus, the routine of leading children in an organized fashion through their neighborhoods from home to home in search of candy replaced that of letting them run wild to wreak havoc.
A wonderful, organically grown lesson in the behavioral redirection of children was born.
From what was essentially a “local blog,” but I digress.
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One of my favorite half-jokes about disciplining children is to say that “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Seriously, the tears and lungs of a preschooler could easily be classified as semi-automatic assault weapons by anyone who has been held hostage by a Toys-R-Us-Tantrum. As much as I believe in standing firm and not giving in to screaming demands for the $2.00 candy bar that is always waiting at the dreaded impulse counter, sometimes that small fee appears well worth the safety it may provide while making your way back to the car.
I guess I’m a grown up though, and you are too. We are supposed to teach our children the subtle differences between negotiation, compromise, counter-terrorism, and over-priced dessert.
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I guess I’m a grown up though, and you are too. We are supposed to teach our children the subtle differences between negotiation, compromise, counter-terrorism, and over-priced dessert.
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To make matters trickier, when you are divorced and only spend a percentage of time — primary or not — with your kids, fighting the urge to indulge becomes amplified.
You want to make the most of each precious second.
You don’t want your child to only think of you as the one who denies them everything.
In an ideal world divorced parents would have consistent rules and meetings and always do it the same way, but let’s face it, married or divorced, you cannot realistically react the same exact way as your current or former spouse in each instance. You are not the same person, and your children know how to push BOTH of your buttons, married or not. As unique as each child may be, all have this inherent trait in common – they know how to WORK it!
I wish I could say I am about to request a drum roll, after which angels will sing and I will lay out the golden rule guaranteed to keep you from spoiling, depriving or alienating your child forevermore. But I am just a single mom doing her best every day.
Some days I negotiate.
Some days I compromise.
Some days I stamp my own feet and say no no NO!
I have to believe that even Dr. Spock had some days on which he felt sure he had ruined his kids forever. What I try to do every single day is remember to forgive myself for the times I feel I get it wrong, remembering that I often get it right.
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Keep your own decisions balanced and your children will learn to balance theirs as well. Children often learn so much more from what they see and observe when we are positive they aren’t looking than from what we say to them with the greatest purpose. They see when we indulge ourselves and when we hold back, for better or for worse. They see how we trick or treat ourselves and others every single day of the year.
My suggestion is this.
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In an ideal world divorced parents would have consistent rules and meetings and always do it the same way, but let’s face it, married or divorced, you cannot realistically react the same exact way as your current or former spouse in each instance.
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Let them enjoy the treats of Halloween, and even some harmless tricks. If we make an effort not to indulge every single day, we will all feel less guilt and more reverence for the days when we do.
Be honest with yourself the rest of the year, knowing that the big eyes in those little bodies are watching you. Give and take with others as you would hope to see your children do as adults. If our own behavior is directed with purpose, it should not be so hard, or even so necessary, to redirect the behavior of our children as they grow.
A version of this article originally appeared on Live Through The Heart.
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Photo credit: courtesy of the author.
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